Prank Nights
by Winged Demoness
Summary: The Yamis  and Malik  pull a few pranks.  Rated M for Language and Adult content. Yamishipping
1. Warnings and Disclaimer

WD: Ahem…First off I would like to explain that this is not a part of this sorry excuse for a story.

There is very little plot. There is yaoi. There is petty childishness and overboard competitiveness.

Some of the things mentioned in the upcoming chapters will be slightly offensive. For these chapters specific warnings will be given beforehand.

I will be one pissed off Demoness if someone decides to be a [**censored**]and flame me.

DISCLAIMER: I would like to state that I own absolutely NOTHING. Many of the ideas used in this story do not belong to me and everything else belongs to that guy who made Yu-Gi-Oh! Whose name I have forgotten.

WARNINGS: Yaoi, Crude humor, adult situations, cursing, and everything else that comes with using characters that are out of their [CENSORED] minds in your story. BTW I will not be {CENSOR}-ing anything in the actual story.

If you're willing to read the story despite the things mentioned above enjoy the story. If not, then…What the fuck are reading this for? Seriously, you have no excuse. Should've pressed the back button already…


	2. Beginning: Secret Admirer

"Okay Bakura. It's your turn," Malik said to the thief sitting next to Marik. Well, it looked a bit more like he was sitting _on_ Marik, they were so close together.

Bakura paused to think for a minute. He couldn't believe he was actually starting to like this game.

"I've never had sex with more than 2 people at once."

Bakura almost laughed when he saw the pharaoh chug his drink. It was part of the game. One person stated something they'd never done and if you've done it then you drunk your shot. Marik had wanted to see the pharaoh drunk off his ass so they were using vodka as the alcoholic beverage of choice.

There were only 4 participants to this little game, Bakura, Marik, The Pharaoh, and Malik.

So far, everyone was feeling at least a little tipsy.

"What the hell? You guys been fucking each other or something?"

"Well actually," Yami looked around the circle,"I think I've fucked everyone here at least once."

Marik's eyes widened. "Malik! How could you?"

Said hikari rolled his eyes. "You were there, you idiot."

"Say wha?"

"Don't you remember? It was the night Yami bought all those toys and that cat costume then Otogi came in."

"oh yeah. Hehehe fun night."

"Alright I'm bored let's do something else." Malik said, giving a long stretch.

"Let's do some prank calls." Yami said, mischievously.

Malik blinked at him. "I'm going to bed. I've clearly had _way _too much to drink. Could've sworn there were two pharaohs sitting next to me."

As Malik stood to get up, his yami quickly grabbed him and pulled him into a quick, but passionate kiss. "Goodnight, Hikari-pretty," he murmured lovingly to his breathless light.

"'Night Yami." Malik wandered upstairs to his room, which he was, as Bakura said "too much of a meany to share". Hence the reason the room directly across from it, Marik's room, would be shared by Marik, the Pharaoh and Bakura.

"Anyway ,prank phone calls?" Yami looked at the two psychos expectantly.

"Why not?" Marik said sitting up. "I go first. Toss me the phone Pharaoh."

Marik dialed Anzu's number and waited while the phone rang.

"Why her? " Bakura said looking confused.

Marik grinned. "She got sent that box yesterday remember?"

"Hello?"

"Uh h-hey." Marik made his voice high and nerdy."

"Yes?" Anzu sounded rather impatient.

"Uhm Is this…?"

"It's _Anzu, who's this?"_

"M-my name's Kazuki. I sent you a gift recently."

"What?"

"You didn't get a package?" Marik said sounding disappointed.

"I hope you're not talking about what I think you're talking about."

"I sent you a pair of my boxers covered in rose petals."

"YOU SENT ME THAT BOX?"

Yami bit back a snicker. Anzu sounded like she was going Incredible Hulk.

"Well yeah. That wasn't a problem was it?"

"Damn straight it was a problem! My BOYFRIEND opened that box! Do you have any idea what kind of damage you've done to our relationship?"

"Y-you have a b-boyfriend?"

"YES! Wait a minute, how the hell did you get my number anyway? And who the fuck gave my address?"

"Well, Anzu,I guess you can say I've been admiring you. I see you going to work and to the grocery store and home and out to nightclubs and to the bathroom and-"

"You've been fucking stalking me?"

"No no no, I just look at you every now and then. I'm more of a secret admirer."

"THE FUCK?"

"B-besides that's not why I called you, my love."

"Then spill it!"

"Well..I…Uh…um" Marik stuttered. He had to make this part last. She would no doubt hang up on him soon.

"Spit it out already!"

"Uh, listen don't freak out or anything b-but c-could you please uh send me a pair of your underwear?"

CLICK

Bakura and Yami were rolling around on the floor laughing.

"That was fucking genius!" Bakura said through his laughter.

"Oh gimme the phone." Yami said with a grin.

He quickly dialed Seto's number.

~~~LINE BREAK~~~

Eh the next chapter is gonna be funnier. After all it's Kaiba. I'm pretty sure his grumpiness will be fun. R&R


	3. Medicinal Trauma

WD: I'm baaaaaack! And I am also very sorry for the unbelievably long wait. I had to take care of a virus that brutally assaulted my innocent laptop.

Warning for this chapter: OOC, Cursing and lots of both. Kaiba loses all composure in this one.

Anywhodiddle on with the story!

"Hello?"

"Hi!" Yami said sounding chipper," Is this Seto Kaiba?"

"Yes."

"Hey my name's Sherman. Wasn't your house the one that got robbed a few weeks ago?"

"Yes, the police still haven't managed to find the culprits but nothing was taken that couldn't be replaced."

"I'm very sorry about what happened. I truly am and I'm glad your brother wasn't hurt. But, I gotta tell you and I don't really know how to say this but…I was with the two men who broke into your house. I was there when the break-in occurred."

"Wh-what? Did you just say you were _with_ the two fuckers who broke into my house? You bastard! That means _you _broke into my house!" Kaiba's entire demeanor changed. His polite business tone had become rather threatening…

""No-no-no-no, I was just _with _them! I didn't actually take anything!"

"Who the hell were you with then?"

"I I can't do that! That's not why I called!"

"Yes-the-fuck-you can do that! Tell me who the fuck you were with!"

"I can't! It's just that when we were rob- er _in_ your house they were arguing and talking about hurrying up while I was trying to talk them out of it!"

"I don't give a shit if you tried to talk them _into_ it!"

"Listen! While we were hurrying out, I dropped my pills and I don't have anymore refills on it! Do you mind if I come get it?"

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR MEDICINE! WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR MEDICINE?"

"I was just caught up in a bad situation! Listen, I'm just trying to get my medicine. I don't want any problems!"

"WELL YOU'VE GOT A DAMN PROBLEM! FUCK YOUR MEDICINE!"

"I DON'T HAVE ANYMORE REFILLS ON THAT MEDICINE! I'LL GET SICK! I NEED MY MEDICINE!"

"FUCK YOU! FUCK YOUR LIPS! AND FUCK YOUR MEDICINE! WHEN I GET THROUGH WITH YOU YOU'LL NEED A LOT MORE THAN JUST MEDICINE!"

"Why are you yelling at me? I tried to stop them!" Yami cried indignantly.

"You LYING COCKSUCKER!" Kaiba roared.

Yami hung up the phone abruptly and collapsed onto the floor in a fit of laughter, joined by Marik and Bakura.

"You stopped way too early!" Marik said when all the cackling had died down.

Yami grinned at him. "I couldn't. It was too damn funny!"

"Okay Bakura, it's your turn!"


	4. Pissed Off

WD: Look at me, actually updating without making my wonderful readers wait 3 months! I think I deserve a cookie.

Yami and Marik watched as Bakura eyed the phone Marik had given him for a second before dialing a number, making sure the phone was on the speaker setting so all three could hear.

"Hello?" A tired voice answered. Aw, the unfortunate creature had probably been sleeping.

"Is Mrs. Hawkins available?"

Bakura let an evil grin cross his face as he heard a small yawn.

"Just a second."

After a short wait, someone else picked up the phone.

"Yes?"

"Hello, Mrs. Hawkins. I'm sorry to bother you at such a late hour but I've just heard some very disturbing news."

"What's the problem?" Mrs. Hawkins sounded a little more alert now.

"Well, my son is a classmate of your daughter Rebecca. Before we get into anything I'd like to know: Is Rebecca potty trained?"

"Who is this?" Was that irritation Bakura heard in her voice?

"This is Howard Rivers."

"Well Howard, my daughter is potty trained."

"How long has she been potty trained?"

"She's been potty trained for several years now. What exactly is the meaning of this?"

"Well my son came home with a problem and not for the first time mind you. This is the second or third time he's told this. He told me that your daughter, Rebecca, keeps peeing on him."

"What? Are you sure you have the right child?"

"Yes, I-"

"No no no, you can't have the right child because Becca is potty trained!"

"Evidently not because she's pottying on other people!"

"No, my sweetheart doesn't pee on anyone! If this was a re-occurring problem the school would be calling me not you! My baby doesn't go around peeing on people!"

"You daughter's been peeing on my son!"

"Maybe your child's peeing on mine! Maybe you've got it backwards because Becca is potty trained! Who the hell are you?"

"I am the parent of the child that is being peed on!"

"And who the hell told you Rebecca is peeing on other kids?"

"My son!"

"Well your son is a LIAR! Rebecca doesn't pee on people!"

"You aren't with her all day long. How do you know-"

"Your child is a DAMN LIAR!"

"My little angel has been smelling like pee and he says that wench keeps peeing on him!"

"BECCA DOESN'T PEE ON PEOPLE! Maybe your kid is peeing on himself!"

"No, he's not!"

"Maybe he's getting in Becca's way or something 'cause your son's stupid or something!"

"DON'T YOU CALL MY SON STUPID!"

"TELL YOUR SON TO STAY OUT OF HER WAY!"

"If she pees on my baby boy again, I will come to the school and kick her little ass myself!"

"Oh no the hell you won't!"

"You're right, I won't. If my boy gets peed on again, I'm gonna pee on you, bitch!"

"Listen up, Fucker! Fuck with my child and I will fuck up your face!"

"I'm not wrong here! Rebecca is!"

"NO SHE'S NOT! SHE DOESN'T PEE ON ANYONE!"

"ALL I KNOW IS MY SON HAD BETTER NOT COME HOME SMELLING PEE AGAIN!"

"MISTER DO NOT MAKE ME HAVE TO KNOCK YOUR FUCKING TEETH OUT!"

CLICK!

Bakura grinned with satisfaction as Marik and Yami howled with laughter.

They found their enjoyment at the expense of others cut short, however, when an angry voice cut through the air.

"Why the hell are you fuckers making so much damn noise?"

Marik grinned at his irate hikari.

"Prank calls, Muffin," Bakura said nonchalantly.

"You three have no fucking reason to be some damn loud if all you're doing is pissing people off over the phone!"

The yamis laughed at Malik's words. That lady had been "pissed off" alright.

"You shouldn't have gone to bed anyway. Stay down here and cause trouble with us," Marik suggested.

Malik glowered at the three of them. Option 1: Kick the asses of all three yamis (he was the only hikari who was able to do so) and force them to take their sorry butts to bed. Option 2: Stay awake and help the yamis cause problems for innocent people, which would probably be a helluva lot of fun.

The three yamis cheered as Malik sighed and flopped down on the floor between Marik and Yami. Bakura tossed him the phone from across their small circle.

Malik glanced down at the phone.

'Here we go,' he thought, dialing the number of someone he'd been wanting to fuck with for a while now.


	5. Tina or Tim?

WD: For those of you wondering where the hell the yaoi is, I'm getting there. It's just gonna take a while. There will be 2 or 3 more prank calls before our favorite drunken idiots do something else. My best friend (who has been helping me come up with the prank calls) and I are slowly but surely running out of ideas. Of course you're all free to give me your own ideas because I love hearing what you come up with. Also Pegasus has remarried!

"Hello?" A familiar voice answered on the second ring.

"Is this Mr. Pegasus?"

"Yes."

"You're married to a woman named Tina now, right?"

"Please don't tell me you've been having an affair!"

Malik frowned. Pegasus didn't really sound all that upset about the idea.

"No, I can assure you, that's not the case. Uh, how long have you been married to Tina?"

"About 5 years. Why?"

"Well, we have a family member who's been missing for 6 years and we've done the research. We're a hundred percent sure… Does Tina have a scar above her left hip?"

"Yes, she's got a small scar. What does that have to do with anything?" Pegasus said slowly.

"Okay… My family member has a scar too. Does she have a birthmark on her arm?"

"Yes. So does that mean Tina might be this lost family member you're looking for?"

"I don't know how to say this," Malik's voice began to crack slightly. "But after what you just said, I'm certain now. You're wife; Tina… is my brother, Tim."

"What? What did you just say?"

"Tina is my brother, Tim!" Malik pretended to sob loudly. "We've been looking for him for sooo long!"

"What the hell? You must be out of your mind!"

"MY whole family has done the research! We've done the research!"

"You mean I've been sleeping with a man for 5 years?"

"We've been looking for my brother for 6 years!" Malik cried.

"This is bullshit! Is this a joke?"

'Yes,' Malik thought.

"No! Your wife is Tim!"

"She can't be," Pegasus seemed to go into shock.

"Do you guys have any kids?"

"No. She can't have any kids."

That's because she's my brother!"

"That doesn't mean she's a man!"

"Pegasus, That's my brother!" Malik's broken, faux sobs filtered through the phone.

"Oh god when she gets home… If she really is a man, you're gonna have a dead brother!"

"DON'T YOU HURT MY BROTHER!" Malik cried.

"I'm gonna kill her!" Pegasus yelled back. "We're going straight to the hospital and if she's a man, I'll kill her!" Malik laughed when he heard the sound of the line going dead.

He'd been wanting to see Pegasus freak out for a long time.

WD: After you leave me a wonderful review, you should go check out the poll on my profile!


	6. The Hunt For Liquor

WD: I haven't updated in ages… But I'm back to tell you all that I am NOT dead! In fact, I'm not even undead! I am very much ALIVE and if you're reading this then it is very likely that you are alive as well! Let us celebrate our alive-ness with my sorry excuse for humor! F*CK YEAH!

Now that that's outta the way, this chapter is craptastically long. You might want to read it in large chunks rather than all at once. And there's no real 'pranks' in this one, just general idiocy.

Enjoy the story!

"Malik you're awful!" Marik laughed.

"Eh. Only when I'm drunk," Malik responded.

"Or sober," Bakura added.

"Or angry," Yami said.

"Or happy," Marik threw in.

"Or-"

"I GET IT YOU FUCKERS!" Malik cut off Bakura before he could finish.

There was a moment of silence before…

"Hikariiiiiiii," Marik whined, "Don't you wanna go get some more beer?"

"And why would I want to do that?"

"Cuz yer sexy babe," Bakura slurred.

Malik, blinked at him. "Duh. You always go around statin' the obvious when you're drunk 'Kura?"

"Sometimes. There was this one time when Ryou and I were at this bank and a guy came in and he was all 'stick 'em BITCHES' an' I was like 'it don't stick up for jus' anybody-"

"'Kura you've told us this story before." Marik interrupted.

"So Malik has any of this convinced you to go grab us some booze yet?" Yami said.

"Why do I have to do it?" Malik whined. He didn't FEEL like getting up!

"Because we're too lazy to do it! Please hikari, I'll love you forever and ever!" Marik pleaded.

Malik gave a grumpy sigh before dragging himself off the floor (with some help from the couch) and making his way towards the kitchen.

The three yamis waited patiently until he came back.

"There's no more," he said tonelessly.

"WHAT?" All three yamis jumped up and ran to the kitchen.

"IT CAN"T BE TRUE!" Marik cried as he searched the fridge.

"THERE HAS TO BE SOME AROUND HERE!" Bakura dug frantically through the cabinets.

"I CAN'T FIND ANY!" Yami screamed after a fruitless search through the pantry.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," Marik and Bakura screamed simultaneously.

"What are we gonna do? You don't know what it's like to be sober! It's _awful! _Don't make me go through again so soon!" Yami looked as though he was about to start hyperventilating.

"Relax Pharaoh. We can just go buy some more from that new liquor store down the street. Okay?" Malik murmured soothingly to the stressed king.

"Okay." Yami began taking slow deep breaths.

"Is it open this late?" Bakura asked.

Malik gave him a blank look.

"It's a liquor store, Bakura," Marik said. "You're really wasted huh?"

"Not wasted enough. Somebody grab the keys and let's go."

The ride to the store was fairly traumatic. Marik drove the Camaro at almost 90 MPH to a destination that was only two blocks away. Luckily the car and the traumatized passengers inside were _physically_ unharmed. Mentally they were all pretty fucked up.

Marik frowned as he stepped out of the neon red vehicle.

"Mali-chan, I think it's closed."

"No fucking way!"

Bakura glanced at the advertisements and graffiti on the store windows.

"It doesn't sell _just_ liquor. Apparently it also sells chips and cigars."

"GUYS! I can _feel_ sobriety creeping up on me!" Yami's breathing had sped up again.

"Wait! Don't panic yet! There are other places we get something to destroy our livers. We can go to a bar or Wal-Mart or something!" Malik really didn't want the pharaoh to start freaking out.

"WAL-MART!" The three yamis all seemed to get rather excited at the prospect of going to the superstore.

Malik frowned. "I don't have my ID."

"Aren't you only like sixteen anyway?" Bakura asked.

"I meant my fake ID."

"It doesn't matter. I got the Rod." Marik said as he slid into the driver's seat, only to be booted onto the passenger side by Malik.

"Marik, you're so silly. All guys have rods. It's what makes them _guys_," Bakura slurred happily.

"ENOUGH TALK!" Yami said suddenly. "I need alcohol. Malik _drive_."

Malik did as he was commanded. The pharaoh was pretty demanding when he was between intoxication and sobriety.

The ride to Wal-Mart was uneventful as Malik was a fairly decent driver even when drunken to near senselessness.

"Alright everybody, stay together and do _not_ steal anything Bakura… well nothing too cheap anyway." Malik said as they all stepped out of the car.

"Marik, you just stay next to me," Malik added, taking his yami's hand.

"Let's go!"

The foursome marched into the store. As soon as the automatic sliding doors slid open, the yami's proceeded to break all the rules Malik had set for them and split up to run wild through the store.

"Dammit!" Malik yelled as he found himself standing alone at the store entrance.

He then sighed and decided to find Yami first. Yami was, after all, the most sensible one.

Malik frowned as he peered up the wine aisle again. He'd been so sure Yami would be there.

Malik's frown did an acrobatic move (It flipped) as inspiration struck.

He grabbed a bottle of the strongest wine he could find and ran towards the back of the store where a clerk was standing at the layaway area.

"I need to use your microphone thingy." Malik said.

The teen standing there shrugged and continued playing with the snow globe in her hands.

"Yami Motou. Please come to the layaway area. I have liquor." Malik could hear his own voice echoing throughout the store.

"Hey Malik," Yami said as he stepped up to the counter.

Malik whirled around. "You're already here but-"

"I was in line."

"Why?"

"I need to put this on layaway," Yami said, putting a bag of M&Ms on the counter in front of the clerk.

"Yami… you do realize that a bag of candy right?"

"Yep."

"Sooo… why are you putting it on layaway?"

"I don't wanna buy it right now, but I might want to later. Until then, I gotta keep it here so no one else will get it. Yugi says that's what this place is for."

"I don't think-" Malik facepalmed. "Forget it. I'll buy the M&Ms and you can keep them at my house until you want them."

"Okay," Yami said, seeming satisfied with Malik's idea.

"Good. Let's go find Marik and Bakura, so we can grab some booze and get the fuck outta here."

"But I thought you already had booze," Yami said as Malik pulled him through the store, stopping abruptly near the furniture section.

"Well, I did but… It like… vanished… or something… Whatever, we can just get more."

Malik was cut off by the sound of a woman screaming in the ladies section.

Wal-Mart sure was crowded at three in morning…

Malik and Yami ran towards the sound where a woman was starring, horrified, at a rack of clothes.

"What's wrong?" Malik asked. It was just a harmless clothes rack.

"I-it.. it.. It… Ahhh!" The poor woman was barely able to speak, but Malik got the message and approached the rack of clothes.

When he walked up to nothing happened. He glanced back over at the woman and Yami.

"Excuse me, but what exactly were you doing when it did… whatever it did?" Yami asked the lady.

"Nothing I was just looking for a shirt in my size!"

"Malik try flipping through the clothes or something!" The pharaoh called out.

Malik shrugged and began moving the clothes around. He spotted a cute fishnet shirt, but it was a little too big.

"Damn me and my petite form…" Malik thought as he hunted for a smaller size.

"_Pick Me! Pick Me!_"

"Huh?" Malik frowned and looked around. There was no one around but himself, Yami, and the woman, who had passed out on the floor next to Yami's feet.

"_Pick me! I'm the cutest_!"

Malik looked down at the clothes rack in front of him. Were the clothes talking to him?

"_Please pick me! I'm easy to keep clean!"_

"No fucking way."

Malik separated all the clothes to reveal Bakura crouching in the center of the rack.

"PEEKABOO!"

With that, the tomb-robber jumped up and ran off before Malik could grab him.

"Bakura! Get back here! I am NOT drunk enough for this!"

Malik chased after Bakura, following him all the way to the hunting department before losing him.

He growled and looked around.

"Yami, see if you can-" Malik turned to the pharaoh to find that the ancient ruler had disappeared.

"Dammit!"

"Hey! Excuse me can you help me?"

Malik glance across the aisle to find none other than Marik talking to an employee.

Malik nearly screamed at the scene before him.

Why?

Because Marik was holding what looked to be a supersized bazooka. The price tag still hung off it. The thing was on sale.

He ran up next to his yami as he spoke with the employee, a short freckled boy with red hair.

"What can I help you with?"

"Can you show me where the anti-depressants are?" Marik said shifting the bazooka in his arms.

"Wh-wha?" The poor worker suddenly looked scared out of his mind.

"The anti-depressants. I've been having a lot of problems lately and I'm super stressed! Sometimes I feel like I might just blow something up!"

Marik waved his arms (and therefore the bazooka) to emphasize his point.

The boy let out a shrill scream before running away from Marik.

"Well, the service here sure sucks," Marik muttered.

"Marik! What the hell are you doing?" Malik demanded.

"What do you mean?"

"I told you to stay next to me!"

"Oh yeah. I forgot."

Malik facepalmed again. "Let's go find the other two and go home!"

The duo wandered through the store, Marik dropping boxes of condoms randomly into people's carts.

Malik stopped suddenly.

"What's wrong?" Marik asked.

"Bakura's nearby."

"How do you know?"

"Well, there's that." Malik pointed to a 'Wet Floor' sign on the carpet.

"Oh."

"Shh." Malik said. "Listen."

The pair could hear the faint sound of someone humming the Mission Impossible theme.

They headed towards the sound to find Bakura darting suspiciously up the aisles and humming loudly to himself.

"Bakura!"

The thief froze and stopped to stare at Malik.

"Get over here!" The hikari commanded.

Bakura looked as though he might actually do as he was told until a voice came over the intercom.

"Can we get a janitor in the Ladies Clothes department? A woman has fainted there." The voice echoed through the store.

"No!" Bakura crouched into the fetal position. "It's those voices again!"

Malik made to go towards Bakura, but the thief jumped up and darted off again.

The hikari ran after him, making sure Marik was following him.

Malik nearly screamed when Bakura disappeared again, leaving him and Marik standing in the camping section.

"I knew bringing you three in here would be a bad idea." Malik said sitting down next to a tent.

"Aw. Poor Mali-chan. I'll let in here with me if you bring pillows from the bedding department."

Malik jumped up in surprise, when Yami's head popped out of the tent flap.

"Have you been there this whole time?"

"Yep. It's comfy!" Yami seemed very chipper for some reason.

"Yami you haven't had any liquor have you?"

"Uh…"

"Yami," Malik growled threateningly at the pharaoh.

"You remember that wine you lost? I had it."

"I should've known. Does Yugi know about this drinking problem of yours?"

"It's not a problem until he tries to make me get sober!"

Malik sighed.

"Marik stay here with Yami. I'm gonna go find Bakura."

Marik and Yami cheered as the tallest yami dived into the tent with the shortest yami.

'I am never letting the three of them go out in public with me Ever again.'

WD: TO BE CONTINUED! Cuz it got really long and my fingers started cramping. Show me yer luvinz n review!


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